❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ update::::: so my eyes are open but heart is forgiving::::💯💜
I’m okay physically 💕 and back to work, but I Definitely wasn’t for the first two weeks of April….. I’m still going to post this as I wrote it on the 18th of April.
There is severe spinal pain and paralysis, hallucinations, loss of coordination, confusion, tremors/seizures (I felt like a small, fast earthquake was vibrating and shaking under my body, but I don’t know what they are supposed to feel like….) In case you or someone you know has any of these symptoms and, perhaps, a mental illness and mother fuckers be trying to tell you you’re paranoid schizophrenic. You are NOT.
FYI::: the light does become brighter when you are about to die. First the room starts getting brighter::::
((Then once you get past the scary as fuck symptoms—😬)) Then you start to lose consciousness::: sections of the room, at a time, start turning to bright light. Sometimes it’s so bright it has almost a purple tint to it. You no longer have the desire to blink, move, and it starts to get warm. Your body doesn’t hurt anymore. It’s actually a beautiful process if you’re ready to fucking leave this Earth 🌎. But dammit, I lost my mom at 13 years old and it started a downward spiral with mental illness (and then my ex husband #1 finished it off by destroying our marriage by cheating on me…
But it’s totally cool. I still love him like family…. I’ve known him for 20 years!!! Wow!! Love you, David Ware. We made a fucking awesome kid.💜💜💜💜💯💯💯💯💯😍😍😍😍😍
Right now as I sit here typing this:::
My door is wide open::::
I went through about ten minutes of paralysis and severe spinal pain, where even though the air conditioner was running, I could hear whispering…(and thats most likely a auditory hallucination—– I had some last week for a few days that I managed to write down after it subsided—– which I do NOT have a history of. I’m diagnosed as Bipolar Type II.
Ok I gotta get this all down… Fuck! I’m usually so particular and great at spelling and everything, but lately I find myself not knowing where to put some words in sentences, spelling incorrectly and not being able to figure it out. Spelling is literally my best subject and just slow. Mentally, physically, and in more constant, deep aching pain that I’ve ever been in:::and one time, explosive pain.
Anyways…. At this point, I gotta do some copy and paste, even though I wanted to do some editing on the entries with some other things I remembered, but I don’t know if I have the time…. I will include pictures of what I have so you can see physical manifestations also.
As I write this, I have some company.
Sorry this shit isn’t fancy. Yesterday I felt all right, even this morning, I did.
I even talked to my aunt this morning outside for a few uncomfortable, but bearable minutes. I have noticed she is making general conversation with me again, but only (imo) to gain information. There is nothing like, “Glad you’re feeling better. Great that you’re getting back to work.”
They didn’t check on me one fucking time while I was seriously ill. Not to offer me a water, or absolutely anything. Nothing. When I did come out, they completely ignored me.
Now my aunt is supposedly a nurse and knows the symptoms I’m having. She hasn’t recommended me go to the Dr, she won’t speculate what she thinks is wrong with me, she absolutely refused to talk about it this past week. I have a great story about what she said about my sudden and severe arm weakness that I’ll get to. She’s a horrible liar and I can read her emotions like a book. But she’s evil.
And up until two days ago, she hadn’t offered me any food at all since she packed my lunch for me on 4/6, till she offered me the taco soup.
When we part, I’m lucky if she returns any response to me.
Today as she was leaving to go back inside this morning::”
I said, “have a good day.”
She said “thanks” almost under her breath. It was just quiet.
She hasn’t told me or responded when I have told her I loved her since the night of Easter. Like sometimes depressed people need a little family love and support. This bitch flat out ignores me, but yet makes my lunch everyday for work 🤔😏
Last night at my door, she came to get Annie (the pitbull)
Out of my room and Cindy said, “Come on, Annie”
“Don’t worry, she’ll be back. Do you the door open or closed?”
I said, “Closed please. Goodnight, I love you.”
SILENCE and she closed the door.
All I had today was coffee. My aunt and uncle always leave me a cup of coffee in the pot. Now I’m sure that shit is poisoned. I slept most of the day today and woke up sweaty. Dammit.
FYI, weed helps me write all this stuff down and remember the details. I know all the great authors used some kind of drug to get the mind working. Lol… I do love weed. Just a little tiny bit like one big puff or 3 tiny puffs…. And that’s pretty good for someone who used to smoke 5 grams a day. Ha ha… Thats a lot of weed!¡!
And yesterday at about 3:15 PM—– I had a tiny bit of taco soup she made. She had it in this big glass Corning Ware dish when it was just a little bit of soup. I thought that was odd. And usually she would put it in the outside fridge for me. Definitely not front and center like that, in the main fridge !! 🤷🤷🤷
The night before she told me she was going to put it in a little Tupperware and showed it to me.
The only thing I noticed yesterday was that my stomach got all bubbly (and it feels like that again) preceding that fucking “gotta go right now” diarrhea (6x) I had on 4/3 at work! But this isn’t nearly anything like that. If your stomach never rumbles like this usually, you will probably notice it cause it can be crampy too. Anyways… TMI…. But seriously—+ you need to know the physical symptoms…
Just now as I’m going to bed, swaying with sickness, and aching really really terribly.
((She has pretty much avoided all eye contact with me up until this point))
She looks directly in my eyes and is laughing at something someone said, but looking directly in my eyes::: happy…knowing exactly what’s happening to me.
Little does that bitch know she’s gonna have to try a lot harder cause if if I didn’t die last week, this episode definitely won’t do the trick.
Bless you if you actually read this all this 💚💚💚💚 Love and light💞💞💞💞🌎🌎🌎🌎💎💎 beast mode activate. At least my sense of humor is still in tact. 💜💜💜
Okay you’re all caught up with the last couple days. Lemme go back to EASTER day.
Warning: For mature audiences only: