Bipolar is a lonely illness.

It’s amazing how the stigma of mental illness and subsequent physical illness can make it seem like you wear a Scarlet letter. I have been to the ER three times since April 1. I didn’t even see an MD. I saw an NP two of the three times. They didn’t do any blood work the last time I went and prescribed antibiotics. I was so fucking pissed, (like angry crying) I walked out without anything while they told me to “wait for my paperwork.” They called me today.

I did take my suspicions to the police this week. They are sending the food items I saved to the crime lab in Austin.

But vindication will be here soon. I’m just sad. Sad that it has to end this way. Sad that my family would do something like this to me. My heart doesn’t want to believe it, but my head knows this has to come out.

I’m scared. Scared it will be too late. I do believe I was given some kind of human carcinogenic heavy metal, such as Arsenic. I heard my aunt talk about Arsenic while I was in the laundry room one night. One simple sentence::::

Smells like almonds, doesn’t it?

I know everyone on here thinks I’m insane and has written me off. And that’s okay. My twin sister and best friend have too…. So really I’m okay with it. Like I said, BIPOLAR is a lonely illness.

Ingestion of these posions can cause hallucinations. I did experience those too.

But now I wait. But I’m truly scared. I still live in the house with these people. I don’t know where to go from here.

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Here recently::::::

I have been trying to to come to terms with all of the emotions I feel related to what has happened and what was done to me. It’s hard to Fathom that family could really do something to harm you and that the kind of psychological Mind Games can be played from people that are supposed to love you.

I go back and forth between posting any of this because the situation itself sounds so implausible.

I have actually seen my caseworker at the mental health facility I go to. I told her a little bit of the sequence of events. She actually suggested I go ahead and get a hair test, which I’m going to, I have already picked out the one. I just have to wait another week or so and I’ll have the money but…..

Strangely my aunt and uncle are being very nice to me—– everything is going okay for right now.

I got my Latuda a couple days ago finally…. Had to order from a Canadian pharmacy because my Mental Health Pharmacy did not have paperwork necessary to fill it for me…. Anyways….

In telling my uncle, he said that was great and reminded me that I had a period where I was psychotic and then we had a very interesting conversation about his favorite author H.L. Mencken…..

T: “You know what the mind’s for?”

Me: “oh, learning!!!”

T: “changing.”

T: “HL Mencken was a journalist from the 20s. My favorite quote of his is guess what?”:::::

T: “Changing your mind is the best evidence you’re not dead.”

T: “I hope I keep changing my mind.”

(Pointing his index finger at me

I took it as a warning. I’m not stupid. I can read between the lines like a mother fucker…. This was Saturday (5/19) evening….

Anyways…. I’m alive…. I don’t feel right still… But I’m here and a million times better than I was—- i shouldn’t be complaining. I’m gonna wait till I get some results and then figure out what to do…

Peace and love. Seriously it’s been a crazy ride… Horribly frightening at times actually… I hope you all are safe and loved where you are πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸŒπŸŒπŸŒπŸŒπŸŒŸπŸŒŸπŸŒŸπŸŒŸ

Part I ((mature))

First I was in the bedroom changing my shirt…. It was Easter and we had two peoples over who were from out of town.

Then I heard Ted slurring his words and Ben say like, “Dad, dad you definitely don’t need to do that,” idk… like drive a car or something.
Then I heard them go outside—- Ben and Kevin

And then I hear Ted saying “horny, horny horny” over and over. And taking deep breaths and sometimes grunting. It was so weird… then he would try to calm himself down and “okay, okay, okay,” and was taking really deep breaths—–

This went on for a just a few minutes, then someone open the door. It was Cindy and she asked him to ask him a question. He answered it and then took a few more weird Breaths…
And then said, who wants “muzak??” And then went outside. It was fucking weird as shit….

Note to self:::’ Tell only the right people, Ben didn’t believe u. And said I was paranoid, but was definitely thinking about what I told him. I could see it in his eyes when we came back from having a smoke, and he paid very special attention to his dad talking and making mistakes, which is highly unusual… (ie: “So is Nevada in Las Vegas?”)
Visual observations:::::’

Something def happened… Rug burns on BOTH knees. Bloody cut on bottom of back ankle area. My dog tried to lick it πŸ˜• and he shooed him away.

6:50PM

I’m in my room with door closed and locked.

Dude is he fucking jacking off with her inside?? OMG….. He stops when she comes in from the garage, but I’ve watched enough porn to know that’s what’s happening….I can fucking hear it…. Omggg omgggg…..I can’t fucking take this.

Sorry I’m not good at this:

Soo…. I guess I should just first explain why I don’t post for so long and then I’ll post a lot so no one is home right now and I can kind of freely talk and have it type for me I think that’s better so I get really high and I decide to post everything and tell the world about myself and my circumstances and then I come down a little bit and then I completely like say that’s a horrible f****** idea but I’m going to do it anyways cuz I’m really high

Just so we’re clear—– the poisoning episode was not a hallucination or paranoia—-+-+ I actually will post some pictures for you to see, in case there are any doctors or med student who want to weigh in😊 if not and you wanna say I’m fucking crazy, that’s cool too. Those kind of comments don’t hurt at all

I can make fun of myself like a mockerfuther—– sometimes that’s all we have to get through it, right?

Anyways…. I know if I dont post all this shit right now I won’t….. so if you’re ready for what was really going on in the month of April… Here ya go…

And I swear to you , I do know where my crisis center is and have been already when all this was going on. So I promise I’m all good.

but I have researched and I’m going to get a Toxicology test done on my hair in the next month or so—– specifically for heavy metals and then I will deal with whatever the test says:::: and figure out how to address that, ESPECIALLY if it happens again…….

now I’m doing fine…not 100% physically-++ I’m still really tired, like need to lay down and rest. I have a sinus infection or something but am gonna try to wait till next week to get checked.

HOWEVER—& I’m working again$$$$$ of course don’t we all need like an extra 5k…..

so that’s awesome and I’m going to have a summer job, so GREAT things are happening.

Like I said before…. I was a little tightly wounda few weeks ago, but it was an acute awareness of self. Anyway I good now…. On the surface.

Here we go… And I alternate between wanting to share fucking EVERY THING…. To knowing that no one really gives a shit…. ALRIGHT….. I’m high enough— I’m fucking jumping OFF that cliff. πŸ‘πŸ‘οΈ

These are all journal entries from my phone. 😀😱😈

Holy shit, we gotta work fast.

❀️❀️❀️❀️❀️ update::::: so my eyes are open but heart is forgiving::::πŸ’―πŸ’œ

I’m okay physically πŸ’• and back to work, but I Definitely wasn’t for the first two weeks of April….. I’m still going to post this as I wrote it on the 18th of April.

Important things:::

There is severe spinal pain and paralysis, hallucinations, loss of coordination, confusion, tremors/seizures (I felt like a small, fast earthquake was vibrating and shaking under my body, but I don’t know what they are supposed to feel like….) In case you or someone you know has any of these symptoms and, perhaps, a mental illness and mother fuckers be trying to tell you you’re paranoid schizophrenic. You are NOT.

FYI::: the light does become brighter when you are about to die. First the room starts getting brighter::::

((Then once you get past the scary as fuck symptoms—😬)) Then you start to lose consciousness::: sections of the room, at a time, start turning to bright light. Sometimes it’s so bright it has almost a purple tint to it. You no longer have the desire to blink, move, and it starts to get warm. Your body doesn’t hurt anymore. It’s actually a beautiful process if you’re ready to fucking leave this Earth 🌎. But dammit, I lost my mom at 13 years old and it started a downward spiral with mental illness (and then my ex husband #1 finished it off by destroying our marriage by cheating on me…

But it’s totally cool. I still love him like family…. I’ve known him for 20 years!!! Wow!! Love you, David Ware. We made a fucking awesome kid.πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’―πŸ’―πŸ’―πŸ’―πŸ’―πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜

Right now as I sit here typing this:::

My door is wide open::::

I went through about ten minutes of paralysis and severe spinal pain, where even though the air conditioner was running, I could hear whispering…(and thats most likely a auditory hallucination—– I had some last week for a few days that I managed to write down after it subsided—– which I do NOT have a history of. I’m diagnosed as Bipolar Type II.

Ok I gotta get this all down… Fuck! I’m usually so particular and great at spelling and everything, but lately I find myself not knowing where to put some words in sentences, spelling incorrectly and not being able to figure it out. Spelling is literally my best subject and just slow. Mentally, physically, and in more constant, deep aching pain that I’ve ever been in:::and one time, explosive pain.

Anyways…. At this point, I gotta do some copy and paste, even though I wanted to do some editing on the entries with some other things I remembered, but I don’t know if I have the time…. I will include pictures of what I have so you can see physical manifestations also.

As I write this, I have some company.

Animals know.

Sorry this shit isn’t fancy. Yesterday I felt all right, even this morning, I did.

I even talked to my aunt this morning outside for a few uncomfortable, but bearable minutes. I have noticed she is making general conversation with me again, but only (imo) to gain information. There is nothing like, “Glad you’re feeling better. Great that you’re getting back to work.”

They didn’t check on me one fucking time while I was seriously ill. Not to offer me a water, or absolutely anything. Nothing. When I did come out, they completely ignored me.

Now my aunt is supposedly a nurse and knows the symptoms I’m having. She hasn’t recommended me go to the Dr, she won’t speculate what she thinks is wrong with me, she absolutely refused to talk about it this past week. I have a great story about what she said about my sudden and severe arm weakness that I’ll get to. She’s a horrible liar and I can read her emotions like a book. But she’s evil.

And up until two days ago, she hadn’t offered me any food at all since she packed my lunch for me on 4/6, till she offered me the taco soup.

When we part, I’m lucky if she returns any response to me.

Today as she was leaving to go back inside this morning::”

I said, “have a good day.”

She said “thanks” almost under her breath. It was just quiet.

She hasn’t told me or responded when I have told her I loved her since the night of Easter. Like sometimes depressed people need a little family love and support. This bitch flat out ignores me, but yet makes my lunch everyday for work πŸ€”πŸ˜

Last night at my door, she came to get Annie (the pitbull)

Out of my room and Cindy said, “Come on, Annie”

“Don’t worry, she’ll be back. Do you the door open or closed?”

I said, “Closed please. Goodnight, I love you.”

SILENCE and she closed the door.

All I had today was coffee. My aunt and uncle always leave me a cup of coffee in the pot. Now I’m sure that shit is poisoned. I slept most of the day today and woke up sweaty. Dammit.

FYI, weed helps me write all this stuff down and remember the details. I know all the great authors used some kind of drug to get the mind working. Lol… I do love weed. Just a little tiny bit like one big puff or 3 tiny puffs…. And that’s pretty good for someone who used to smoke 5 grams a day. Ha ha… Thats a lot of weed!Β‘!

And yesterday at about 3:15 PM—– I had a tiny bit of taco soup she made. She had it in this big glass Corning Ware dish when it was just a little bit of soup. I thought that was odd. And usually she would put it in the outside fridge for me. Definitely not front and center like that, in the main fridge !! 🀷🀷🀷

The night before she told me she was going to put it in a little Tupperware and showed it to me.

The only thing I noticed yesterday was that my stomach got all bubbly (and it feels like that again) preceding that fucking “gotta go right now” diarrhea (6x) I had on 4/3 at work! But this isn’t nearly anything like that. If your stomach never rumbles like this usually, you will probably notice it cause it can be crampy too. Anyways… TMI…. But seriously—+ you need to know the physical symptoms…

Just now as I’m going to bed, swaying with sickness, and aching really really terribly.

((She has pretty much avoided all eye contact with me up until this point))

She looks directly in my eyes and is laughing at something someone said, but looking directly in my eyes::: happy…knowing exactly what’s happening to me.

Little does that bitch know she’s gonna have to try a lot harder cause if if I didn’t die last week, this episode definitely won’t do the trick.

Bless you if you actually read this all this πŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’šπŸ’š Love and lightπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸŒŽπŸŒŽπŸŒŽπŸŒŽπŸ’ŽπŸ’Ž beast mode activate. At least my sense of humor is still in tact. πŸ’œπŸ’œπŸ’œ

Okay you’re all caught up with the last couple days. Lemme go back to EASTER day.

Warning: For mature audiences only:

When it changed

Until around Easter, things were so great. I was seeing my daughter, who lives in San Antonio, and is just the apple of my eye. I’m gonna show a picture just because she’s the apple of my eye.

This is us on New Year’s Eve

Anyways… I guess the best way to write these entries is by date, as I have them in my journal.

#1 The beginning

So let me give you a little background on my current situation.

I live in Texas, currently with my aunt and uncle.

I have been here off and on since early December, then I left January 3, cause I was hypomanic and had a three week drug fueled gambling and petty crime spree (fraud, theft from family members, etc.) None of which was prosecuted….πŸ™πŸ™πŸ™

I returned in mid February, off the drugs and back onto my psych meds.

I have been gainfully employed since the last week in February and absolutely adore my job. It’s my passion, it makes me smile, and it’s beautiful… πŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’žπŸ’ž

Everything was going fabulously. I was happy and working every day. I had a couple weeks of needing an increase in medication, but I was doing great, making plans for the future.

Since Monday (afternoon) 4/9/18, I have been unable to work and it’s devastating to me. This is the story of what is happening to me::::